Jimmy O. Yang was in both Silicon Valley and New Girl. Obviously this means that after Jian Yang got ditched by Jess on their date for saying what everyone else was thinking, that Meryl Streep was a dumb bitch. Jian Yang thought Meryl Streep was a dumb bitch because he once waited on her and when he was delivering spaghetti and meatballs to the table next to her’s, she said “ooh a hotdog.” She had spotted a dachshund walking by, but he thought she was too dumb to identify what he had just delivered. He knew he could save the world by creating an app that could tell dumb bitches if what they were looking at was a hotdog or not and preventing that whole situation from ever occurring again.
Jim O’Heir was in both Parks and Recreation and Friends. Obviously this means that when he was a young man, Jerry Gergich had a long talk with his mother about his family’s medical history, any congenital disorders that he should worry about, and what he should do to prepare for any hereditary medical problems in the future. She gave him the name of an adoption agency and told him to ask there. Jerry thought she was answering the second half of his question, so he applied for and got a job there.
Jerry’s application got something spilled on it, so his name was in their system as Harry Hendricks and he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it so he lived as Harry until he got fired for mixing up the applications so badly that Sewage Joe ended up adopting a baby.
Bryan Callen was in both How I Met Your Mother and Ms. New Booty. Obviously this means that Bilson worked as an infomercial pitchman before he joined GNB. Bilson was a major contributor to the English language, responsible for “get it right, get it tight, “steak sauce,” “suit up,” and “hit it and forget it” (which got stolen by Ron Popeil).
Danny DeVito was in both It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Friends. Obviously this means that Frank got his hands on a shipment of children’s police uniforms and was trying out a new business, the Short Strippers, when he stripped for Phoebe in Friends s10e11 The One Where the Stripper Cries. After he figure out he couldn’t strip anymore, Frank hired dancers and started advertising. Unfortunately, the name he settled on ended up causing trouble after the advertisement “Answer the door, it’s the SS“ caught on with the wrong crowd.
Martin Starr was in both Silicon Valley and New Girl. Obviously this means that Dirk had collected all of the degrees he could (123 if you count the associates degrees that he compiled while researching potential bachelors degrees) and decided that his collection needed a change. Since the tech industry hates college degrees, he couldn’t seek them out to prove his intelligence. Instead of degrees, he started collecting web development certifications. The first he got, a Java certification, got him laid at local coffee shops so much that he couldn’t stop accumulating them
Hugh Dane was in both Friends and The Office. Obviously this means that before he was the best damn security guard Dunder Mifflin Scranton has ever seen, Hank was the best damn manager the Department of Human Services had ever seen in Friends S2E6 The One With The Baby On The Bus. He was fired after it turned out that he gave a baby away to two men who claimed they had left it on a bus while trying to pick up chicks without even asking them who the baby looked more like.
David Harbour was in both Stranger Things and Jurassic World. Obviously this means that Chief Hopper had a bearded dragon as a kid that he loved very much and spent every day taking care of and caring for in the best way he knew how. This meant that Hopper’s Upside Down was Merlin and other lizards like him turning into hateful, hurtful monsters that killed people. Hopper’s upside down ended when the Indominous Rex, which looked nothing like Merlin but shared his reptilia class, made all of his deepest fears come true and ate him.
Jake Johnson was in both New Girl and Jurassic World. Obviously this means that Nick took to heart Ernest Hemingway’s belief that experience is essential to good writing and ran with it, getting a job as an IT professional in the control room on Isla Nublar for a theme park. Nick believed that this real world experience, while not particularly interesting or exciting, would give him some insight into how the average person lives. His plan was wrecked when the theme park got taken over by crazy dinosaurs and he was forced to scramble to keep people alive during the chaos. This experience didn’t help him identify with the common person, so Nick was left with nothing to write about afterwards.
Jennifer Coolidge was in both American Pie and Seinfeld. Obviously this means that Stiffler’s Mom was an accomplished masseuse in New York who gave in and finally gave Jerry the massage he wanted for free before hooking up with Stiffler’s Dad and moving to western Michigan. Stiffler’s Mom convinced Stiffler’s Dad masseuses are able to gestate a pregnancy in just six months, but only their first. That’s why Stiffler was such a funny guy, he inherited his father’s comedic timing.
Clark Duke was in both The Office and New Girl. Obviously this means that Clark saw how successful Jim and Pam’s relationship was, even though she was in a subordinate role, and thought that he might have the chance of a similar office romance turning into marriage and children. He was fantastically in love with Nick’s girlfriend Julia, his boss in New Girl S1E13, and was working up the courage to ask her out since she decided to spend Valentines Day with him, but Nick showed up and ruined his one chance at happiness. He gave up his law career since he couldn’t deal with seeing his true love with someone else and he’s currently trying to get beets to grow in the arid Southern California landscape. If desert beets are successful, maybe he’ll find himself a good woman like his hero Dwight.